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Allowed to Grieve

I’m sharing today over at my friend Jamie’s blog Brown Paper and Strings for her series entitled Out of the Dark, Into the Light.

It’s from my heart.  It took a while to write in between the memories and the tears. 

If you’ve experienced the death of a child…this is for you. 

Into the Light

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You can still link up below for Into the Word Wednesday as well.  Grab a button here.  

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Afraid {5 Minute Friday}

It had already been a rough road making it to that particular day. 

It’s the only time in my life I was paralyzed by fear.   

It’s the only time it ever crossed my mind.  The thought that I might be leaving them.  The thought that I might just not make it through. 

I was afraid.  I was terrified.

There had already been two natural miscarriages and a vanishing twin.  There had already been three separate trips to the hospital with massive amounts of bleeding.  Once at 29 weeks, once at 31 weeks, and once at 34 weeks. 

I was so anxious about what was going on with my body.  I was nervous that at any moment it would turn into another devastation.  There were no answers. 

There were thoughts that I might not make it through the pregnancy. 

There were also concerns that the baby might not make it. 

Finally, at 39 weeks, we headed in for the scheduled c-section.

He was finally here.  Safe and sound.  My sweet baby boy.  The second child to call me mommy. 

I’ll never forget that sound. 

The beautiful cry of the baby I’d prayed over for 273 long days. 

Then I was no longer afraid. 

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Let’s just write and not worry if it’s just right or not. Here’s how to play along:

1. Write for 5 minutes flat for pure unedited love of the written word.
2. Link back here and invite others to join in {you can grab the button code in my blog footer}
3. Go leave some comment props for the five minute artist who linked up before you {and if you love us, consider turning off word verification for the day to make it easier for folks to say howdy}

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Joy-Filled Sorrow. {Into the Word Wednesday}

Have you ever felt joy and sorrow at the same time?

Have you been so joyous about a situation that reminds you of a sorrowful time in your life?

I’ve been preparing myself for this moment. I knew the grief would probably be rough but didn’t expect it to hit me like a ton of bricks like it did today.

One of my closest friends had a baby today.  I’ve been waiting her entire pregnancy to find out whether she’d have a girl or a boy.  I was so thrilled to find out she was pregnant.  You see, she was my rock through both of my miscarriages.  She was the only person I knew that had been through it.  We were more acquaintances at the time but we became close talking and sharing about our sweet angel babies. 

I am so thrilled.  If she lived closer I’d have been there today. 

Exactly seven days after my first miscarriage, I had a baby shower to attend. 

I went.  I smiled through the excitement.  I oohed and ahhed over the cute baby clothes and toys.  I buried the hurt because that day wasn’t about me.  It was about her.  It was a celebration of her baby.  It was her first and it was family.  Another guest announced her pregnancy at some point during the night. 

I got in the car at the end of the night, tears already streaming down my face before the key was in the ignition.  I had to pull over twice that night because I couldn’t see the road through the tears. 

Today seemed worse than that night in some ways. 

I’m overjoyed with excitement because I know she’s been where I’ve been.  She deserves this and so much more.  I’m also so sad because my outcome isn’t as positive.  It’s tough to swallow the fact that my baby-making days are over.  I feel like something has been stolen from me. 

I know if it’s meant to be for us to have another child that it will all work out.  There are adoption and surrogacy options available should we decide to pursue this.

I’m leaning on Psalm 147:3 pretty heavily today. 

‘He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds’. <—Tweet this

It’s a verse that reminds us that He is there for us no matter what we are going through.  For me, I’m brokenhearted today but not because my friend had her sweet baby. 

I’m brokenhearted today because I miss my angel babies.  I am brokenhearted because I know I’ll never again see an ultrasound with my own sweet baby’s profile.  

Is there something you are feeling down about?  Allow this verse to sit on your heart.  Know that He will heal you but it will be in His timing.  It won’t happen over night but it will happen.

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–Join my co-hostesses and I this week for Into The Word Wednesday!

Becky at Tales of Beauty for Ashes

Sarah at Fontenot Four

Kelly at The Houtz House Party

Falen at Upward Not Inward

Kelly at Exceptionalistic (looks like you found me!)

Into the Word Wednesday blog hop rules (if you wouldn’t mind!):

1. Link up about something you are learning this week.

2. Follow all hostesses via GFC or Google +.

3. Grab a button to put on your blog – the more the merrier! Check out our sweet new button…

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Exceptionalistic

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4. Check out (and comment) other people’s blogs to bless them today!

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N = Negative {All About Me}

With the fourth pregnancy we had to make a tough decision.  Neither of us could handle the thought of losing another baby.  My doctor also didn’t feel I would make it through another pregnancy. 

After many long talks, we made decided. 

I feel sad knowing that I’ll never again see that positive pink line on a pregnancy test.  I hurt knowing I have two babies in heaven (possibly three). 

There have been a few times I’ve honestly felt as though I might be pregnant.  More than a week late with all of the symptoms I’ve had in the past has fooled me more than once over the past few years.

Sometimes I forget about that necessary surgery during the c-section this last time.  Then come the thoughts of looking into reversing it. 

Then I remember. 

I have two amazing little ones here on this earth.  I love them more than anything.  Even though I still dream of baby number three to happen, I love them too much to risk my life to make my dream come true. 

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Miscarriage + Jesus = Joy {Into the Word Wednesday}

I know. You may be here because of the title of this post.  If you have already read this post, you know that I have been through at least two miscarriages.  It is the most excruciating emotional pain I’ve ever been through.

What could this possibly mean?  How could Miscarriage + Jesus = Joy?

Trust me. I have been where you are right now.  Are you wondering how I got to this point in my grief?

I want to share more details about my sweet babies but I’ll save that for another day.

I will tell you this. I’ll never get over it but I am at peace knowing that my sweet babies are with Jesus.  My heart leaps with joy knowing that they are being cared for in heaven.

Once I read Jeremiah 1:5 and Luke 18:16, I was still hurting of course, but I learned my angel babies would be okay.

Jeremiah 1:5

‘Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,before you were born I set you apart;I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.’

Luke 18:16

But Jesus called the children to him and said ‘Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. 

I love knowing that one day I’ll meet them!!  I love knowing that they are in heaven surrounded by love.

If you have been through a miscarriage, please know that Jesus is taking care of your babies. Who knows maybe they are all up in heaven playing together!  Therefore, even though a miscarriage is painful, I have joy in my heart knowing they are with Jesus!

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–Join my co-hostesses and I this week for Into The Word Wednesday!

Becky at Tales of Beauty for Ashes

Sarah at Fontenot Four

Kelly at The Houtz House Party

Falen at Upward Not Inward

Kelly at Exceptionalistic (looks like you found me!)

Into the Word Wednesday blog hop rules (if you wouldn’t mind!):

1. Link up about something you are learning this week.

2. Follow all hostesses via GFC or Google +.

3. Grab a button to put on your blog – the more the merrier! Check out our sweet new button…

.

Exceptionalistic

.

4. Check out (and comment) other people’s blogs to bless them today!

.

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