M = Miscarriage {All About Me}

So the name pretty much says it all.  Something I never imagined would happen, did happen.

We found out we were pregnant the day we closed on our first house.  It would be our second child. We were so thrilled because the timing couldn’t have been better.  We had the extra room and were ready.

Nothing could have prepared us for this.  The anguish, the hurt, the wondering.  How could this have happened?  There was no sign of an issue. No warning.

I remember it like it was yesterday. Some days I feel like it was yesterday.

It started with some mild cramping.  I started to think that I just overdid it then… 

The heavy bleeding and severe cramping.  The tears falling. 

I knew what I thought was happening.  Trying to stay strong.  Trying to have faith.

In reality, the dream in my heart and in my womb was fading.

We raced to the hospital.  Standing at the counter, we filled out paperwork while the blood was dripping down my legs into my shoes.  We wondered why this paperwork had to be completed at such a crucial time.  

Our worst fear was confirmed.  Our sweet baby was gone at 14 weeks.

Fast forward three months.  It happened again.  We weren’t sure why or how this was happening.  An angel baby at 8 weeks this time around.  All I have are the items in the photo above. The only items I have that ‘belonged’ to our babies.

Not one photo. Not one hug.  No kisses. No snuggles.  No sweet baby smell. 

Instead of celebrating new life, we were mourning.  We were angry.  I was mad at myself, feeling as though I failed both my babies as well as my husband.   

A verse that I’ve been clinging to since this happened is Exodus 23:20.  ‘See, I am sending an angel ahead of you to guard you along the way and to bring you to the place I have prepared.’

Each of our babies has a name and we pray over them daily.  One day we’ll explain to the boys that they have siblings in heaven.  Until then, we wait to meet them when it’s our time. 

I’ve only shared this with my husband but now I want to share it here as a tribute to our sweet angels.

I started writing this post at the beginning of the All About Me Challenge because I knew it would be tough.  I came across the following link up and will be sharing it there on October 15th.  If you have a similar story, know you aren’t alone.  Email me if you need to talk.

A Little Piece of Me

Still linking up with Love Kate for the All About Me challenge.

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6 Responses to “M = Miscarriage {All About Me}”

  • Auntie Em says:

    Oh, sweetheart, I thought this was probably the post you were agonizing over, and have been praying for you. I will continue to. Thank you for opening up your heart; I know it will be a comfort to those others who have endured this. : (
    What a wonderful thing, though, to know that you WILL meet them one day!
    Melinda/Auntie Em

    • So, so hard. The four year anniversary of Isabelle just passed. Still so fresh. Knowing they are with God, with each other and with a few of my friend’s babies really does help. I like to think my grandparents are watching over them! So few people talk about it. I actually talk about it a lot, for my healing as well as to let others know it’s okay to grieve!

  • Ms. MommyHH6 says:

    :-( honey, I just want to give you a virtual hug. It is such an excruciating thing to go through and a hard thing to talk about. I’ve been through several early and one late loss and prayer, faith and a good husband has gotten me through. You never forget, always grieve but it does get easier with time. I love that you named them. It brings so much to the loss and helps with moving on and mourning. I know that loss and hole in the heart will remain regardless of other children you have.
    Praying and thinking about you today

    • Oh thank you so much. It’s so true. My husband has been amazing. Truly amazing. It’s not the same kind of pain I’m sure but he hurts too. I am so happy you understand what you said about the loss and the hole in the heart remaining. Some people don’t… Thanks for stopping over!!

  • Elizabeth Anne May says:

    How heartbreaking a miscarriage is. I had my first (and only) miscarriage about 11 years ago. It was our first pregnancy and we were so excited. It didn’t even occur to us that anything could go wrong. I pray for you and your husband during this difficult time. Thanks for sharing.

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