Archive for the ‘Marriage’ Category

A Husband’s Ego {Matrimonial Monday}

Has there ever been a time when your husband’s ego took a hit?  Perhaps he lost a job, was demoted, injured, or something else happened that caused him to feel less than. 

Early on in our marriage (three weeks after the wedding), my husband was laid off from his job.  It was tough.  He was mentally preparing to be the husband and provider. 

Of course he wasn’t so much upset about being laid off.  Things happen.  However, being a new husband being forced to break this news to his new bride was disheartening.  The feelings of inadequacy tried to beat up on his ego. 

He was down in the dumps.  Feeling low.  He hated seeing me leave for work and started to feel inadequate. 

I didn’t know what to do to help him get through this but I can tell you what I didn’t do. 

I didn’t get upset with him and freak out.  I didn’t blame him.  I didn’t assume he did something wrong which caused this.  Most important of all, I didn’t treat him any differently.  

Had I done any of those things he could have completely shut down.  He wanted to step into our marriage as my hero, not as a provider that couldn’t provide.  Rather than bottle up those feelings, he told me about it.  My image of him was what concerned him most.  He thought I’d be disappointed in him.  Of course I wasn’t but in his mind, he thought it was possible. 

He wasn’t sharing these thoughts at first.  He was keeping them to himself where they festered and continued to worsen.  Finally after about a week he let out what had been pent up inside.  I’m thankful it happened this quickly. 

Pent up feelings do more harm than good.  Keeping things bottled up (husband or wife) can lead to any number of issues.  Our mind can play tricks on us.  We can tell ourselves what we ‘think’ our spouse feels.  We can conjure up a scenario in our mind pretty quickly.  I’d bet that a majority of the time it’s a worst case scenario. 

Last year when his company shut down, we didn’t have to have this conversation.  He knew how I felt about him because I’d been showing him for well over a decade no matter what changed in our lives.  I didn’t see him differently way back then and I surely wouldn’t now.  He knew this because I’d shown him. 

Why do I say I’m happy this was resolved quickly?  It had to be.  One week after he was laid off, so was I.  I had to come home and tell him the same dreadful news.  I had to tell him that we were newly married and completely jobless.  During that drive home after being let go, I felt his pain.  I knew why he had been down in the dumps. 

We had a deep, deep discussion that day that completely changed the course of our marriage.  We both honestly believe if I hadn’t been laid off so soon that he may have fallen into a depression.  I wouldn’t have know how to make him feel better.  I wouldn’t have known the battle that was going on in his mind if this hadn’t happened.  He probably wouldn’t have opened up like he did and who knows what road we’d be on right now. 

A husband’s ego is fragile.  A wife’s attitude can either build it up or tear it down.  <—– Tweet it

If you are in a situation like this please feel free to read this together.  It may open lines of communication between you and your spouse.  It may let each of you see the importance of being open and honest from the start.

 

Exceptionalistic

 


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S.e.x. {How to Maintain Your High-Maintenance Marriage}

Is this happening?   

Yep.

We are going to discuss this topic. The dreaded and perhaps somewhat taboo topic of s.e.x.  

Why is that?  We should be discussing this topic at length and often!  It is not just a one time conversation. 

Let’s be honest here. 

This is a HUGE subject.  The benefit of this collaborative series is that you have five different women discussing from five different perspectives.  You can pick and choose who and what you relate with.  Be sure to head to the other blogs listed at the end of this post!

**Oh and I’m updating to let you know that the s.e.x. is in an effort to avoid having this post marked as spam.  Our email subject to each other with our links was titled ‘sex link {not spam}’ which was just way too funny.  Thanks Emily for the laugh!! **

HTMYHMM Button

There are multiple directions to take this topic. Here are a few questions perhaps you can ask yourself.  Please, please consider reading these with your spouse and taking the time to discuss it.

  • Do you and your spouse talk about it?
  • Are you both satisfied with the quality?
  • Is the frequency to your liking?
  • Is it a priority in your marriage? 
  • Is sex with your spouse conditional?
  • Is it the first or last thing you think about? 
  • Could television, social media, or something else be keeping you from it?
  • Do either of you withhold s.e.x because of anger or resentment?
  • Are either of you selfish in regards to this subject?

S.e.x in a marriage is super duper, uber important!!!   <—– Tweet it

It just can’t be the last thing on the to-do list.  Clearly there are other aspects of life such as kids, jobs, and other circumstances that demand our time and energy.  It’s important though to make an effort to leave a little something at the end of the day (or every other, or weekly, or whatever the two of you decide).

One way to ensure there is a little something is to keep the spark alive.

Can I state the obvious here?  Men are different than we are.

Let’s have a show of hands.  Has this ever happened in your house?  You have an argument with your husband that goes unresolved.  The two of you have been snippy all day then surprise, surprise, he’s somehow still up for bedtime festivities.

Ladies….are they kidding us?

I’ll be a little transparent here.  If we’ve been arguing or snippy with each other all throughout the day, the last thing I’m thinking about at the end of the night is s.e.x.  I’m still angry, hurt, frustrated, or whatever else until it is resolved.

Guys can somehow put their angry feelings aside and still make the magic happen.   I don’t know about you but I’m not built like that.  If I’m angry, I’m angry.  There is no going back just because it’s the end of the night.  

We have dubbed a little saying in our house called ‘prep the engines’ which helps us remember this.  If we happen to get into a little tiff earlier during the day and realize it’s festering into a huge issue, one of us will say this.  Usually it’s me.  It’s me because I know that I’ll be the one not in the mood later on if we don’t fix it.

It’s a gentle reminder that we are heading down a road that could ruin our evening.  It’s also a little reminder that s.e.x doesn’t start in the bedroom. 

I know I’m not alone here.  There is a little thing called foreplay.  I don’t believe foreplay is just what happens ten or fifteen minutes prior to the s.e.x.capades.  

It’s how we treat each other all day.  It’s stealing a hug in the middle of the day, kissing hello and goodbye.  It’s sending an ‘I love you’ text in the middle of the day, dancing to your song, and doing something special for your spouse.  It is going the extra mile. 

It is feeling wanted, feeling needed.  

In a nutshell, it’s prep work.  Being treated in a way that makes you want to jump into his arms at the end of the night (and vice versa).  It’s the anticipation.  It’s knowing that you will connect at the end of the long, stressful day. 

We can’t treat each other like garbage all day then expect to turn up the heat at night.  This will simply make you (or him) feel used which isn’t a foundation for a healthy sexual relationship.   

I know this is a woman’s perspective, well, because I am one.  Also because woman are a little more complicated when it comes to the physical part of marriage.

I will leave you with this little tip I’ve figured out over the years.  It works both ways.  If you prep the engines a little for your husband, believe me when I say that he will love you for it. 

Just because he can go zero to ready in .2 seconds doesn’t mean he doesn’t enjoy the anticipation!  You can make a huge change in this area today simply letting him know you still have the hots for him. 

When is the last time you’ve initiated things?  Have you kissed him a little longer than just a peck recently?   Have you put forth the effort to look irresistible when he walks through the door? 

What can you do today to prep his engines? 

*************************

Kayse @ KaysePratt.com

Monica @ Elevate Ideas

Emily @ Primitive Roads

Jamie @ Brown Paper and Strings

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Features {Matrimonial Monday}

It’s fun to read through and see the posts that are linked up.

What is even more fun is getting to highlight a few in case you didn’t get a chance to read through them all.

 

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So technically Valentine’s Day is over and done with but I loved what Erin at Mystery 32 had to say this week:

‘You may have heard the excuse for not celebrating Valentine’s day: “I don’t need one day to make me be romantic. I can be romantic all year long.” Really? Prove it. Whether this is an excuse of yours or not, I challenge you to step up in 2013 and make it the most romantic year possible.’

Seriously?  She is 100% right.  We should not just say this but we should do it.   Are you looking for romantic gestures for this year?  She gives you a list of 50!!

Hop over there, grab an idea, and bless your spouse today.

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Are any of you going through some rough hiccups in your marriage right now? If you are, Loving When It Hurts is a must read for you.

Loving When It Hurts

Jamie has opened up and been transparent about betrayal in her marriage as well as the long road to rebuilding it!

Head over there and see what she is celebrating this week and perhaps leave her a congratulations in the comments. 

It is truly miraculous!

****************

Exceptionalistic

Exceptionalistic



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Laughter {How to MaintainYour High-Maintenance Marriage}

 

Why did you fall in love with your husband?

Have I ever told how why I fell in love with mine?

I fell in love with him partly because of laughter.  That may sound strange but it is one of the main reasons.

You see, I don’t show emotions like excitement well.  I don’t know why.  It’s as if I’m so excited my heart and mind forgot to share the information with my face.

Whether it’s opening gifts on Christmas morning or having something exciting happening in my life.  I talk about it but it doesn’t show through very well.

Now let me tell you a little about him.

My husband might as well have majored in laughter in college.  He is by far the funniest man I’ve ever met.

We met in middle school.  We were inseparable from 8th grade on.  Best friends.  I mean the kind of best friend you do everything with.  We’d go to movies, theme parks, and even carpooled to school every day.

We always had a great time together.

Fast forward to our first semester in college.  He went away.  I stayed home and commuted.  We didn’t see each other as much.   I started to miss him so much, looking forward to the next time I’d see him.  I realized how much I wasn’t fulfilled in the relationship I was in.  I realized how much I loved him.

Why? 

When he was gone, I didn’t laugh as much.  I didn’t have as fun a life without him as I did with him.  Of course he was still in my life but in a different way.

He always made me laugh.  When I say that he made me laugh, I mean made me belly laugh.   I’ve already told you I don’t do that very often. 

Laughter is such an important part of life, let alone marriage.  It can help keep our marriages fresh.  It’s one way we can relieve tension during the rough times.  It’s how we can keep ourselves from stressing out during busy times of our lives. 

As I’ve said before, things have been a little crazy this past year. 

These days I am sometimes so stretched that I feel like ElastiGirl from the Incredibles.  I feel like if I stretch one more inch I may burst.

What keeps me going?

These days it’s looking forward to an evening of comedy-watching with my husband.  A few times a week we have date night in our living room.  We put on our favorite television comedy, forget for a moment about the world, sit together, and just laugh.

Have you laughed with your husband recently?  Do you joke around?  Play games?  Watch funny movies? 

 

**************************

Check out other perspectives on laughter below!!

Kayse @ KaysePratt.com

Monica @ Elevate Ideas

Emily @ Primitive Roads

Jamie @ Brown Paper and Strings

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Why We Shouldn’t Keep Score {Matrimonial Monday}

I talked just a few weeks ago about making sure our husbands have time to spend with their friends.

When I say making sure, I don’t mean forcing it if he doesn’t want to or even scheduling it for him.  I mean not grumbling about it.  He shouldn’t feel bad about spending some time with friends.

I strongly believe they shouldn’t owe us something in return.

Let me ask you this.  Do you keep score in your marriage?

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I’ve experienced a few conversations with women that expect this exact thing. 

Let’s say your husband spends four hours at a baseball game with a friend.  Do you expect him to provide you with four hours of free time (outside the house, no kids)? 

I personally think this type of score keeping can lead to no good in a marriage. 

Let’s say I tallied up the number of hours my husband spent with his friends in a month.  Then took a look at how much time I spend that month. I see that he has spent four hours at a ball game, 3 hours golfing with his dad, 8 hours at guys night, and on, and on. 

Then I see that my list consists of a few trips to the grocery store by myself.

I’d slowly start to resent that I’m not receiving as much me time.  I’d start grumbling each time he has new plans.  I could make it an argument each time there is something he wants to do. 

You might be asking ‘who does this?’ 

Keeping an actual written tally?  Probably no one. 

Keeping a mental tally?  I think a lot of people do this.  Husbands and wives. 

If your husband has a few more opportunities than you do in a month, consider it a seed.  It’s a seed sown into your marriage.  It will come back to you.  It might not be now but in time your gracious and generous attitude will be rewarded. 

Next time, try to remember that your husband will come back renewed, relaxed, and less stressed.  This is good for all!  He’ll be more attentive and appreciative.  He’ll be more helpful with the kids. 

Most of all, he’ll realize he has the most wonderful wife in the world! 

Now, show of hands…

Who doesn’t want to be the world’s most wonderful wife?!? 

 

Exceptionalistic



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